Something about this song never really sat right with me. There are a whole lot of unanswered questions.

Gene Autry or Somebody – Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

1. Was Santa Claus complicit in the teasing? I say yes but was he like, just letting it happen or was he taking shots at Rudolph too?

2. What are reindeer games? Like catch? Or are there reindeer-specific games?

3. What kinds of names were they calling him? As someone so cleverly pointed out to me, when someone has a pimple or a big nose you call them Rudolph. So what do you call Rudolph? Lite Brite? That toy wasn’t invented yet.

If you really think about it (as I obviously have) Rudolph was like the bb Michael Jackson of his reindeer crew. Santa vis-?-vis Joseph obviously had a vision when he added Rudolph vis-?-vis Mike to the team, but the other reindeer vis-?-vis Jermaine recognized his involuntary ability to stunt on everyone and hated rather than appreciated… until a foggy Christmas Eve vis-?-vis mortgages/record deals/back child support payments made Rudy/MJ’s talents useful. I bet they still kept giving Rudolph shit after Christmas, too. Like a vicious cycle of codependency. Or something.