Why is the apartment-hunting situation so crucial right now? Like, I’ma be living in an apartment 24 hours from now. When the girl gets on the grind the girl gets on the grind. Please believe it.

Speaking of the grind, I’m writing up my business plan so that I can qualify for a small business grant and get a new computer for free. If Halliburton can hustle the government out of 10 billion dollars, I know I can grab a grand or two. I’ll keep you posted.

But let’s talk about what’s been bothering me lately: nasty assed people. As my mama says, some people really believe that their piss is golden and their shit is made of chocolate chips. Is there any other explanation for the widespread refusal of some people to wash their hands after they leave the bathroom? While waiting on a stall earlier today, I saw one woman actually wash her doggone hands. The rest did a quick water-rinse and more than a couple just walked the hell out. How do you go to the bathroom and just walk out? Didn’t your mama teach you anything as a youth? And these be the same people who wanna borrow a pencil or offer you some chips. Gtfohwts. Immediately.

It’s almost time for the fair again, and I’m still thinking about the e. coli breakout that had so many kids sick from the petting zoo at the N.C. State Fair. One of my studio-mates was even out of school for a couple of weeks with that. Parents were upset on the news, talking about there need to be sinks at the fair and more hand sanitizer stations. Y’all, I have been going to the fair hard for as long as I can remember, and it’s no secret how I save up my money and don’t eat 2 weeks prior just so I can gorge myself on fair food (we’ll come back to that). If my hungry behind can have a feast at the fair without getting sick, why can’t your kid?
You know why?

BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR KID ARE NASTY, MA’AM! Why would you walk through a petting zoo eating popcorn? That don’t even sound right. Common sense should tell you that the fair is more germ ridden than a backwoods gas station bathroom. Eat with a napkin. Or better yet, warsh yo’ dayum hands before you eat.

Raleigh responded to the outbreak by promising to install more hand sanitizer units along the midway. People. Hand sanitizer is a backup product, not a substitute for soap. I’ve actually been to public bathrooms where there’s no soap, only a bottle of hand sanitizer. You know what’s left on your hands when you sanitize them after taking a D? Sanitized shit. If you sanitize your hands after rubbing on a goat, you still have fleas and goat hair on your hand. Maybe hand sanitizer is just what we need to thin out the hygiene-deficient folks in the world. Maybe all the non-hand washing people will eventually catch some fecal disease. I really wish they would, because the next time I see a heifer leave the bathroom without washing her hands, I’m going to just be thug with it and remind her: “that was piss, ma’am. Not Mello-Yello.”

Think she’ll get the clue?